Aunty Dora comes to UNN!

“Hey! Good to see you. It seems the whole of UNN is coming out of PAA. What happened?”
“Aunty Dora is in town.”
“Aunty who? I never knew you had an aunt who could gather this kind of crowd.”
“Very funny. I am talking about Prof. Dora Akunyili, our honorable minister of information.”
“What will bring Dora to UNN?”
“Under which rock have you been hiding all this while? Her coming is a part of the 39th convocation ceremony activities.”
“Oh I forgot! I thought it was supposed to be tomorrow?”
“The convocation is a week-long affair. This lecture was just one of the slated events.”
“Ok, so what did she lecture us on. She was a lecturer here you know.”
“Re-branding? Has she not overused that word already?”
“She called it a ‘topic of her passion'”
“Ah ha!”
“Re-branding Nigerian Universities is but a part of the Re-branding Nigeria project.”
Her Re-branding Nigeria project.”
“Whatever… She reminisced about how good things were in her days as a student and how bad things now are to the extent that in 1996, as a senior lecturer, she booked 120 masses and three 30-day novenas to get an American visa lottery to send he children overseas. Which she got.”
Otito diri Christi!
“In my opinion it was the tale of woes which one hears a lot these days from older lecturers and alumnus of how good things were in the good old days…and how bad they are now.”
“Without explaining how things got so bad on their watch.”
Abi oh…She also spoke about the ‘Sanctity of Exams being a the root of the Universities value system’.”
“I agree wholeheartedly with that one. Things are so bad now that it is bad not to cheat in some cases. Even in Masters classes.”
“She also spoke about the need to properly set exam questions and for students to stop tempting lecturers…plus stricter measures for lecturers who get tempted. She also talked about the need for a universal Faculty and not lecturers chosen because they are from UNN or from Enugu state…”
“or from Nsukka.”
“Yes, that too.”
“I sure that did not go down well with some of our people…What else did she talk about.”
“Well, the need for greater emphasis on character, research, the need for government funding which Goodluck Ebele Azikiwe Jonathan is-“
“Lucky Jo also answers Zik?”
Eziokwu. I was also suprised…President Jonathan is committed to improving the University and- you will like this one – improving the remuneration of lecturers.”
“You don’t mean it. Bartho should hurry and give me this job jare. Let me at least share in the good luck of president goodluck.”
“She of course capped it up with her achievements as minister of information and the successes of the re-branding Nigeria project so far…If you want more go and get the speech and read for your self.”
“No vex. It will surely be on their website…wait…Where are all those people running to?!”
“I think she’s going to pass the road and they want to block her.”
“They are carrying banners. Maybe the have some information they would like to pass on to Goodluck.”
“Let’s go and see.”
“I beg oh. With these MOPOL and soldiers around? I’m too young to get shot and I am allergic to tear gas!”
“Don’t worry, it seems like they are PAN students. They probably just want to greet their Madame.”
“Or ask her to make a donation.”
“Na you know…She has stopped and wound down to greet us.”
“He-he-he Aunty Dora is behaving like a Queen oh.”
“Shut up jo! She is only acknowledging cheers from students of her alma mater.”
“Eh hen? With all the waving and blowing kisses abi? She is only a common minister of information and she is acting like Obama-come-to-town.”
“Are you jealous?”
“Of what? We hallow our leaders too much. That is why they get away with a lot of incompetence!”
“So Dora is incompetent.”
“I did not say that. But let us not praise her too much for doing her job…Wait, they are now running toward Christ church chapel!”
“Ah she came with a chopper! It must have landed on the nearby field”
“Now that I must see.”
“I remember hearing it this morning. She must have come at around that time.”
“He-he-he can you imagine? Both of us Agbayas running to see Aunty Dora enter a chopper…I wish I came with a camera…Who else is coming for the Convocation.”
“They are awarding honorary PhDs to Governor Alhaji (Dr.) Mohammed Danjuma Goge of Gombe state and Godswill Obot Akpabio of Akwa Ibom.”
“These Honourary PhD’s Universities are constantly dishing out. A friend of mine wrote about them once. It seems like one of the advantages of being in high position is a chance to garner honorary PhDs.”
“The MD/CEO of GT Bank also gets one.”
“So more choppers in the coming days.”
“You bet!
She is already inside the chopper putting on her seat belt.”
“So she hired a chopper with our money.”
“Of course now! She is an Honorable Minister of information…for your information. She cannot travel by car all the way from Abuja what with the kidnappers and robbers and bad roads and angry fake drug manufacturers.”
“She would at least get first-hand information on how common Nigerians are suffering these things.”
Osu imi like you! Why shouldn’t our own minister of information get to be flown to events by chopper. It saves time and she also gets to have a bird’s eye view of the country. You geologists will appreciate that.”
“Just hear yourself talk! She had better not try flying a chopper into Goodluck territory. Those militants there can shoot that thing down into the creeks.”
“The chopper is about to take off.”
“There she goes again with the Royal waves and kisses. The woman is vain oh.”
“But can you see? Here the people adore her…She has fans!”
“I hear she may run for Presidency next year. This might be a campaign trip.”
“She would get my vote if she does.”
“Lucky Joe should not hear about it oh. She would end up like Aunty Ndidi.”
“Na you sabi… The chopper doesn’t seem balanced oh!”
“Maybe the pilot is a learner.”
“There it goes! He just wanted to put on a show.”
“I have to write about this.”
“On that your blog abi?”
“Yes, on my blog. I have already composed the last part of the post:
The chopper hesitated a bit as it moved to one end of the freshly cut lawns beside the Chapel raising golden brown grass. Then it streaked across the field carrying Aunty Dora who was all waves and kisses past the adoring fans on the ground and disappeared into the setting sun.
…or something like that.”
“Humph! So even Geologist have begun to dabble into poetry. When will it end?”
Osu imi! Let’s go home jare!”

2 thoughts on “Aunty Dora comes to UNN!

  1. ROTFLMHO . . .
    I loved every bit of your lines. You seem to write so well now. The most interesting, which I know you will get, is the part of telling Prof Bartho to hurriedly give you a job jare . . .
    Ikenna, more grease to your already existing elbow. Keep it up!!!

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